The Stepmother’s Support Group - not your usual Saturday snack

It’s weird to read something with such an intense and uncommon theme like The Stepmother’s Support Group (SSG) novel… but authoress Samantha Baker (current editor of Red magazine in UK) has made it so fresh and alight (despite having serious sub-themes inside) that I can’t help but writing a short review about it. About how I enjoyed and admired it.

SSG was not exactly what I needed for a lite ‘chick-lit’ reading after a day(s) of struggling with your thesis. But it’s actually not a wonder why I chose it. I’ve lived with step-somethings almost a third of my life. My parents were divorced and now I have a set of step parents, one is much more dysfunctional than the other. My sister will be a stepmother herself in a year’s time. My cousin remarried as well, so her daughters have a stepfather now. My other cousin is a rebel, for his father remarried again, and he has to cope with the stepmother (actually, it’s the other way around. The stepmother is the one who has to cope with him!). I even once considered myself as a potential stepmother for the children of a man I used to love so much (still love so much), but…it never went that far…

Still. With all the step-somethings around me, I was naturally attracted to reading SSG. And it was a comforting and enlightening journey, if beautiful is still too strange a word to describe it. Knowing that what I felt was something a normal stepdaughter would feel, but actually unnecessary, had my parents been wise enough to be grown ups in their relationships, instead of being teenagers again, at the expense of their children.

So SSG tells a story about five London women: Eve, Clare, Lily, Melanie and Mandy. All of them were either a real stepmother (Mandy), stepdaughters (Clare and Lily), or stepmother-to-be (Eve and Melanie). All of them struggled to either gluing two families, trying to accommodate their spouse’s children, coping with the memory of their spouse’s ex…you name it. And all of them want to make it work. Eve really wants to fix the problems with his partner’s teenager (Ian, the partner, I picture him a combo of Liam Neeson and Richard Armitage; a yummy deadly combination!). Clare has to let go of her ego and let her daughter mingle with her new step-family, including new stepmother. Mandy tries to glue together two families with two sets of (step) children. All of them try hard to defeat the image of ‘stepmonster’, or wicked stepmother. All because of love.

And they made it. Eve and Lily stick with their partners and extended family. Clare and Melanie move on with new men. Mandy splits up with her partner, for she realized he was not what she needed (and vice versa). But all of them do it after consulting with their friends, and most of all, their hearts.



Something I wish my parents would do.

Now, I’ve told you that my parents were divorced…when I was 20. Although at that time I could not understand why it should happen, I now see why they were not matched for each other… and a divorce was bound to happen anyway, one way or the other. But the story wasn’t a smooth divorce (and yes, smooth divorce IS possible!). My mother did not let me and my sister see my father as we wish. We had to sneak out to see him, and I always felt guilty afterwards. In retrospective, it was not fair for us the children. At all. Wrong as he was, he was, is, still our father, and we should not even feel obliged to find excuses to see him. We Indonesians have a saying, “Bekas suami ada, bekas istri ada. Tapi bekas anak tidak ada”. Yes, there are ex-husbands. There are ex-wives. But never there are ex-children.

It’s a complicated thing that created a subconscious pattern in me; that ‘I would never find my dream prince. If I do, I would have to do it the hard way’. I cannot tell you how deep and bad the scar is for my own personality; but suffice to say that it took me years and years to overcome my self-imposed blockages and arrive at the current state of believing in love between man and woman again. Believing that I deserve the best possible mature and healed man for me, as well as the happiest, healthiest, and most prosperous relationship.

Anyway, moving back to my parents and the stepparents. I love my parents, of course. It’s a given. But… I wish they were wiser in dealing with the divorce. Alas, they were not. Forgiveness was something I cannot find in my mother’s book, even after all these years. Letting go is still an alien concept for my father.

My step parents were none the wiser. My stepmother is a… I hate to say it, but a disgrace for the concept of feminity, and deserves (or not?) a post on its own (then again, better not). She and my father are match made in hell, such that I think, for the sanity and health of my father (which has his own faults too), they should just finish it off. Call it a day, get the divorce and move on with their respective lives.

My stepfather should never have encouraged my mother to take side; choosing between me or him. He should have never tried to replace my (faulty) father for me. That thing never worked, will never work, and had created gaps so deep between us (and between me and my mother as well). He is much wiser now, and I can relate to him much better compared to our very rocky and prickly first years… If anything, he certainly understands what Sam Baker said in p. 397 (though I doubt he will ever read the novel):

‘Caro was not gone, she never would be. She was the children’s mother after all. And that was something Eve would never be. But her ghost had moved over, all the same, to make room in the family for Eve.’


Final call: SSG is a very good novel, particularly for those who are familiar with the situation (i.e. having step-somethings in her/his life). They should make a movie out of it. And I want either Liam Neeson or Richard Armitage for Ian Newsome (RA is preferable, due to Ian’s age of 38). Eve… I was thinking of Rachel Weisz…although she might be half a decade older than Eve Owen. We can always call Daniella Denby-Ashe (Margaret Hale in ‘North & South 2005’). Make her a brunette again, and we can have the 21st century, family version of Margaret-Thornton all over again!

And please make the setting in UK. PLEASE make it in London. If you can’t make it all in London, by all means move it to Surrey for some shots, but NEVER, ever change the setting to United States (except for the Boston and New York bits for Melanie). No offense. I do not want the second ‘Shopaholic train wreck’ for my favourite English book. What would you feel if – say – Huckleberry Finn or Little Women has English settings anyway?!

Pic: Cover to SSG, paperback version, from Fishpond.com.au

I'm the World today!

So my dearest sister-friend told me this site, and I took the quiz, and...

I'm the Universe today!

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Thanks, Sis!

Unite for Climate!

When are we going to stop labeling one country as developed industrial country, and another one as developing country, and hence one has more responsibility than others, or vice versa? I'm tired of these labels.

When are we going to see that we live in the same planet with limited resources, that eventually the hell with those statistical significance of the data they are debating... or that climate change issue is being politicised by some people? I'm tired of these debates.

Data is important. Accurate numbers are important. Profit sharing may be important. But they are not as important as our hearts. Not as important as our consciousness, our responsibility to Mother Earth...

The price for ignoring this climate change issue is too high to pay. Not merely whether I'm right or another person is right. Not only published papers or reports in fanciful journals. Not even the Nobel Prize.

The price is Mother Earth herself. The hundreds of thousands of ppl displaced due to cyclones and other hazards. The price is our only home...

When the time comes, it matters not if I'm a scientist or a teacher or a farmer. It matters not if I'm an economist or a nurse or a policewoman.

What matters is that I am a human... with my responsibility towards Mother Earth who gives me Life. What matters is my moral and spiritual duty to Her.

Rants for the Bangkok climate change meeting, 28 Sept - 9 Oct 2009...

Pic: Mother Earth

My tips to buying shoes

"What is it about shoes? I mean, I like most kinds of clothes, but a fabulous pair of shoes can just reduce me to jelly." ~ Becky Bloomwood, 'Shopaholic Abroad'

Since I’m officially a shoeaholic now, and the bloody statistics software I tried to understand has not open up to me yet (this program must be a male!), I think I will just jot down some ideas for myself and whoever wants to read this.

First rule: Love your feet and legs first. Then love your shoes. NOT the other way around. Comfort comes first.

Get that? You buy shoes for your feet and legs. You don’t mould your feet and legs to accommodate your shoes. Well, this rule can be 'stretched' to certain extend, but comfort comes first. Always.

Buying shoes directly at stores

This is a rather piece of cake.
1. Time of purchase: Attempt to buy shoes at the end of the day, for your feet tend to get larger in the afternoon/evening

2. Try, try, try! Don’t worry if the seller isn’t happy at your nth attempt to find the correct pair. NEVER buy a pair of shoes just to please the seller (I almost did that once!). Buy them because you are happy with it.

3. If it’s running shoes/sneakers or boots, always allow about 1cm extra space at the toe pad. Particularly for these types of shoes, they should serve you comfort (and joy, if possible). Make sure that you don’t sacrifice your calves by putting boots that are too tight for them. No boots are sexy when you have to squint and flinch while wearing them.

4. If it’s pump/court shoes or slingbacks, it’s a bit tricky. Colin McDowell said that ‘Shoes which fit well are a modern luxury’. I agree, particularly with pumps and slingbacks. It has to fit just right. Just snug enough for you to walk comfortably without screaming inside your heart (along with the feet). It can’t be too loose either, for it will be like flip-flops and gives blisters at the heels instead of sexiness. BUT you can always do the tricks for loose pumps. Put cushion pads at the ball of feet and, if this is not enough, place bits of cloth remnants at the toe parts to make it snugger. Or place sticky gels at the slingbacks to keep them in place.

5. Heels have to be of the right height. I know that shoe-fetish likes high heels because they accentuate women’s legs and I do agree with that. I just don’t agree that we should sacrifice comfort and health in the name of fashion. Some health-feet websites would recommend approx 2.5” (6cm) maximum height for comfort. Sturdy heels are better than kitten heels (tho those kitten heels are truly cute!), let alone stilettos. See Oh! Shoes for more info, among others. Adding extra gel cushions at the ball of feet helps distributing the weight off our ball of foot as well.

6. Colour: at least you should have three colours, IMO. Black, silver and gold. Then add other colours of your preference: red, orange, pink, blue or even taupe or nude. Pick colours that will go well with your dresses. I tend to pick shoes that complement my dresses/skirts/tops, not the other way around. But if you find a pair of nice shoes with extraordinary colour and you really like it, well, get it. Just make sure you don’t wear it only once (for instance because it clashes with your clothes), for it will be a wasted investment.


Buying shoes online

1. Almost all points above are also applicable for online shoe purchase (except for time of purchase, duh!). The point about the seller is also applicable. Yes, because I tell you what: you have the right to ‘hassle’ sellers for information about the shoes. You have to exercise that right and the seller has to respond to it.

2. Found this handy tip from good buyers at eBay: Measurement, measurement, measurement! Since you can’t try the shoes yourself online, you HAVE to ask for exact measurements to sellers. Don’t rely on the stated size, for size varies according to manufacturers. I go between size AU 8-9 (EU 39-40, UK 6-7), but sometimes I could fit size AU 7 (EU 38, UK 5)! The important measurements you must seek are: insole length, width of ball of foot, and heel height. For boots, add the calf circumference. Then, compare the measurement provided with the fittest pair of shoes you have. If you want to buy pumps, you have to compare it with pumps you already have. If you don’t have pumps, and this will be your first purchase of pump shoes (online, even!), get your feet measured. Check this site on how to do it.

Also remember, if you buy pointy or narrow shoes, you have to add more to the insole length. Ask the seller for the maximum length where the toes end, NOT only the total insole length. Depending on how pointy it is, the maximum length could be 2-3cm shorter than the total insole length, and you should use this shorter one instead of the longer one.



What if it doesn’t fit?!

It happened to me, you know, with my online purchase (with the correct measurement, really! Alas, they were a bit pointy and I wasn't aware of it). Or it often happen that the shoes you tried at the store fit, but then it does not fit anymore at home. If the shoes are just a tad too narrow, you’re saved. But if it’s more than 1 size too small, you better let it go. Don’t mould your feet for the shoes; you're not Cinderella's sisters and no prince to charm anyway. Return the shoes or sell them back at eBay. So this is what I did for shoes that were a bit narrow. They worked the charms, though none of my shoes that required stretching were made of leather (all of stretching techniques are most effective for leather shoes):


1. Hair-dry the shoes (black satin pumps) and wear them right away. The feet will mould the shoes. Wear them around the house or inside your office, just to get your feet used to them.

2. Use the ice technique as Michelle Phan (she’s so cute!) described in YouTube. It worked a bit for my beautiful brocade shoes (tad too narrow at the width), for it breaks the materials so it’s easier to mould

3. Since it’s still not enough, I went to local cobbler and have it stretched. He stretched them for two days and now they’re better. I can walk with it now, tho they’re still a bit narrow (due to the nature of the materials, not because the cobbler didn't do a good job. In fact, he was a good cobbler, and a nice one too!)

4. Buy a shoe stretcher (or two) and stretch the shoes myself. That’s what I plan to do with my brocade shoes (she’s the hardest to break), for she’s already okay now. Just need several stretches more to really make her flexible. I’ve bought one from eBay and I will tell you in a few weeks how it goes! Investing in a shoe stretcher is also good because you can do it all over again with your other shoes, or with shoes that haven't been worn for a long time and shrink a little.

Bottom line: don’t use your own feet to break the shoes. Use other tools/methods for that purpose. Love your feet first, then the shoes


Caring for your shoes

Caring for our shoes make them long-lasting and it means savings in the future, for you don't need to replace them every so often.

1. Keep the shoe boxes to store the shoes. If the shoes came without the box, at least wrap them with tissue paper and keep them inside a plastic bag or purchase a transparent container to keep them in

2. Keep the shoes out of dust and damp. Use water absorber if necessary. Your shoes are your investment, appreciate and take care of them!

3. Some people would put pictures of their shoes at each box for easier identification, but I find it too much to do. I just memorise them, for each pair of shoes came with different boxes, but you’re welcome to do the pix!

4. Do we really need a shoe closet? Well, if you can afford it, why not? But if not, a cupboard or shelves are useful too

5. Invest on shoe shampoo to clean your shoes (particularly the fabric ones), shoe polisher (for the leather ones) and shoe protector (that’s a spray to apply layers of protection on top of the shoes). They’re worth it, and the shampoo has nice fragrance. Clean the shoes regularly and let them dry before storing them properly


Caring for your feet

I believe that healthy feet contribute significantly to healthy body and good life. Here's what I do to myself towards that purpose:

1. Don't wear high heel too often. We have loads of fashionable flat shoes nowadays, the Gladiator style and ballet flats are good examples. Giselle Bundchen has been producing a great line of comfy Ipanema sandals. Choose them for daily wear instead of high heels, if possible. If your work place requires high heels, always keep a pair of ballet flats or similar comfy shoes behind your desk so that you can interchangeably wear them during breaks. But you might want to still add up to 2.5cm height to those flats, for it helps reducing pain in the shins, or so these guys said.

2. Do feet exercise. Turn one foot slowly left to right, and then the other. Massage them. Love them. Talk to them. They take you everywhere. If the battle ensues between feet and shoes, make sure you're on the feet side, not the other way around. You want to keep walking straight as you can even though you're reaching 70!

3. If occasion arises for high heels, make sure you have enough padding in them. Use gel cushion, heel pads and other tools easily available in local chemists to increase the comfort. After the exciting party, make sure that you take care of your feet again. Massage them, thank them for the good dance/party, and sleep with elevated legs to release the pressures.

Good luck! Remember, love your shoes. But love your feet first!

Pic1. Clipartof.com
Pic 2. Cinderella's glass pump shoes, from fanpop.com
Pic 3. Poor Anastasia... from Popcorn UK

The Invitation

Special thanks to Ee for sending me this beautiful poem...


The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Pic: Vnssa from Deviantart

Why do I love Becky Bloomwood?

I was being sulky a few weeks ago, and chose to counteract it by re-reading two of the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella that I have. I hence re-read Shopaholic Abroad (where she shopped till dropped in NYC) and Shopaholic & Baby (that was really really cute!). Then I pondered why I liked this series so much, because… it’s actually about a very consumptive girl who can’t stop herself shopping. It’s very non-academic, not so enlightening (or is it), and seriously, I have lots of tings to do. But as a girlfriend of mine said, hey, it’s okay to read no-brainer chick-lit once in a while!

And you know what? She’s right! I don’t think writing a good chick-lit like the Shopaholic series is a no-brainer; Sophie Kinsella was clearly very smart and knowledgeable to be able to write a very captivating series. But reading the (seemingly) no-brainer theme of a shopaholic is, well, no brainer. It’s an escape from day-to-day academic world. The Shopaholic series is definitely one of my favourite series. The books, I mean. Not the movie. Isla Fisher did a good job as a Yankee Becky. But I couldn’t relate to the Hugh Dancy’s version of Luke Brandon, the beau, tho Dancy is also an Englishman. I picture Luke Brandon as taller, better framed, and also a bit more reserved, but funny at the same time…

Anyway. Book-wise, I can identify myself with Rebecca Bloomwood, the main character. I mean, I am NOT a crazy shopaholic like her, but I do enjoy shopping and once in a while cracked in Ebay and oh those kind of things… But the point is, I can relate to Becky. Particularly after I gained an unexpected passion for shoes (particularly pump shoes) recently (don’t ask!) and have to steer my friend’s conversation to non-saving themes every time she ask about it (cos I am saving for my mortgage. Really, I am!). Ahem. Anyway. I can see why shopping is really a distracting activity, including online shopping (I have love and hate relationship with eBay…).

But most of all, what I admire from Becky is her innate ability to bounce back after crisis. True, she usually caused her own crisis, but she never ran away from it. Well, yeah, getting sulky for days or weeks… but eventually she came around and overcame it pretty well. Selling most of her stuffs to pay for her astronomical debt in Shopaholic Goes Abroad is the best example. Also running up the hill with high heels to make amend with her long-lost sister, that’s another thing.

Becky is so relatable. She’s not flawless, but she learns from her mistakes. She is also a girl with golden heart who truly cares for others. There’s another thing I admire from Becky. Well, a bit jealous too, perhaps. For she has an excellent husband called Luke Brandon that was so compatible with her. Well, of course the prim Englishman Luke doesn’t agree with Becky’s shopaholic habit, and Becky is often pissed off with Luke’s policy of ‘don’t tell your girlfriend/wife about your businesses’… but they truly love and support each other.

And they learned from their ups and downs. Luke seems to be more mature by the end of the Baby story. He involves Becky in his decision makings, including preparing her with the possibility of bad financial prospects for the months to come. Becky is also better at managing their finances and she grows out her habit of listening to other people’s gossips and jumping to conclusions (the last one she shares with me too; I also am trying not to jump to conclusions now…).

And one of the most important things that made me love Becky (or rather, Kinsella for writing her so well) the most is what she said in Shopaholic & Baby. It was after she and Luke had a talk about the possibility that Luke had an affair with Venetia, Becky’s celeb obs-gyn), and of course Luke denied that wholeheartedly. Which was true anyway. Luke was acting weird for months because Brandon Communications was in trouble, and he didn’t want to worry Becky and baby in the womb.

So this is what Becky then told us the audience (p. 286):

“In the end, you have to choose whether or not to trust someone. And I do choose. I do.”

And you know what? She’s right. In the end, I choose to trust. Period.

Pic: Shopaholic & Baby from Amazon UK

Breaking the patterns: Healing at cellular memory level

Again, I have data analysis to do, but my right brain kept begging me to write this down, so here we are. Right brain, the intuition wins. Let’s hope this is a useful epiphany for you dear friend, for it definitely is for me.

First, I would like to acknowledge (again) Christiane Northrup, MD (Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom) for her amazing book that I have yet finished reading, for it seems like chewing up the last bites of a very delicious meal. I am utterly most grateful for the research and wisdom she unravelled for us there. Other women I would like to thank are a sisterhood of Jane Austen fans, mainly Laurie Viera Rigler (Rude Awakening of a Jane Austen Addict) and Mariana Gheorghe, whose recent article in the Becoming Jane Fansite about Bad Tuesdays for Jane Austen and Tom Lefroy has unconsciously triggered a new shed of awareness in me.

By now, you would be quirking your nicely trimmed eyebrows, for what is the relationship between Northrup’s feminine bodily wisdom and the deceased British authoress of the Regency Period? Two phrase: cellular memories and repetitive patterns.

Now, based on Ellen Moody’s Austen calendar, Mariana has discovered that certain Tuesdays seemed to be Bad Tuesdays for Jane Austen, in accordance to her star-crossed love with Tom Lefroy. At first, it seems like hocus-pocus, is it not? For how could a person have a repeated misfortune as such? But then… a phrase emerged from Laurie’s latest book that stunned me: Cellular memories.

I’ve read at a glance about cellular memories in Christiane’s book. Researches have found that every cell has its own intelligence, its own ‘brain’ if we may… and with intelligence, comes the ability to retain memories. See Maat.com for better understanding about cellular memories, the article is amazing.

The gist is that every cell in our body has the ability to store memories. Should any event, condition, scene or even just a mere word, smell, or sound appears before us, our cells can automatically link that event etc to a certain event in the past. If the event was blissful, we will feel happy. If it was beautiful, but no longer applicable (lost love, perhaps?), we will feel blue. If it was painful or even a near-death experience, we will feel a sudden fear, anger, an urge to flight, etc. Get what I mean? Surely you’ve experienced it before. An event that had nothing to do with you, but you found yourself inexplicably happy, or sad, or angry. Or even burst into tears.

We could then remember what happened in the past that made us feel as such. A lovely song might remind us of someone we love, but no longer with us. A woman wearing a certain dress might remind us of our high school cheerleader that consistently insulted us (ah… those days…). Etc etc etc. We then understood why we reacted that way. If we are aware enough, we could put everything in its perspective, and move on. Leaving the past behind us.

But more often than not, those events also involved suppressed memories we are not even aware of. We forgot, but our cells did not. Hence, faced by a certain event, our cellular memories kick in, and we react exactly the way we used to react to that event before, that might happen five or ten years ago.

Coming back to Jane Austen, I’m not sure why the Bad Tuesdays happened. But perhaps, PERHAPS, in her subconscious, she named a certain Tuesday bad because of her broken heart. She was tremendously sad, but perhaps – being a natural sunshine person she was – she tried to suppress it. But… alas, her body remembered the pain. Her broken heart. Her tears even. Unconsciously henceforth, she carried the wound, believing that Tuesdays would bring bad news or events to her. Put it in Laurie’s words (Rude Awakening, p.277): “Your body remembers that a year ago today or ten years ago today, you felt cheerful or depressed. And it feels that way again.”

And we got what we believed in. Jane Austen MIGHT believed that some Tuesdays were just bad luck for her. And she indeed got those bad lucks.

Of course, I don’t want to point fingers at my favourite authoress. On the contrary, I thank her for the lessons she consciously or unconsciously gave me. That if we can have those beliefs, we can disown the beliefs as well.

This morning, suddenly I realised that I too have these repetitive patterns and cellular memories. [Since I am trying to reverse the pattern here, henceforth I shall use past tense] I also had something bad … not a day, but a month. Several months even. I unconsciously believed that some months brought sad news or events to me, and those were not unfounded. I did a quickie chronological analysis this morning, and was so surprised at how those patterns matched! By the Gods, those months that I labelled miserable were actually true! Bad things happened those months!

Digging further in, I realised that the labelling started a few years back when a certain star-crossed love story happened to me in 2002, seven years ago. I am now beyond relief that I actually experienced that sad love story, and that I had ended it… but before than… those months were equal to crying in the middle of the night, or whenever no one saw me (or I thought no one did). Those months were equal to my believing that I would not be happy again, that I would never love and be loved again.

Now I know those fears were unfounded, for I have loved myself more than I did before, and I have many dear ones loving me. But those days, those painful emotions affected my body, and my cells stored those sad and heart-breaking memories. Unconsciously, my cells sent signals to my brain that those particular months were bad, bad, bad, and that it would occur again. Hence the repetitive sad patterns in my life. For we got what we believed in. In another word: I unconsciously invited those sadness to return to my life.

Digging even further in, I now realised that those ‘miserable months’ were actually related to unhappy events that my mother experienced prior to and during her pregnancy. I carried her pain subconsciously, for she was the one who had me for more than nine months, and with long and painful birth even! I am not blaming my blessed mother, of course, I am merely observing what happened. And understanding that I have the power to change it.

Thank the Universe, I’ve recognised those patterns now, with clarity beyond belief… with blissful gratitude that I finally am not ‘blind’ anymore to see… I just know that I am right this time, that my conclusions are correct and what I have to learn and implement. How do I know? Because my whole body suddenly felt relaxed while I was writing the epiphany in my diary. My arms and legs were relaxed, I felt so light and happy… and the effect is still lingering now, as I write this. Heh, even a colleague of mine walked past me when I was getting tea just now, and he said that seeing me today just made his day brighter! Thank you mate, I hope you’re not joking…

Now, hopefully, I'm sensitive and open enough for help from all over the place. I still have loads of personal health homework to do. Every seven years, we regenerate a whole new body (see Wiki Answer for more info). Well, it’s been seven years since the painful memories, strangely I'm on my fifth seven-years-cycle on Earth now... and I need to rebuild healthy cells. Now. Healthy cells with healthy cellular memories. And every month, every single day, single minute, single second, is a blessed moment. There is NO miserable month. There are 12 beautiful, loving months, and more of love and trust too...For this Universe is an Infinity of Love.

Namaste, peace be upon you.

Pic 1: Cellular healing, from Maat.com
Pic 2: Healing lotus, from MySpace.com
Pic 3: Healing heart, from Deviantart.com

Working with crystals, dolphins and the moon

I’ve been thinking of writing something about my hobby with crystals, and I think – after submitting a deadline today – this moment is the right time.

I’ve actually been working with crystals since 1-2 years ago, when Swami Anand Krishna introduced me to the wonders of crystals. Ever since, me and two of my best friends have been exploring these beautiful creatures, from the scientific sides to the ethereal and spiritual sides. I have some crystals at home and also in the office (well, my office looks like a shrine, so one of my lecturers said), and I usually wear crystals on my wrist. But enough with history; I just want to share my love with some new member of my crystal family.

The first one is my double terminated clear quartz that I use to channel and expel anger and all unwanted emotions from my systems. I bought her from L’Ayurveda (a very good site in Bali for crystals, by the way!), already cleansed and powerful, and I’ve been using her constantly now, for clear quartz is an excellent amplifier and very good at releasing hidden, unneeded stuffs. New comers for crystals beware though, because the effect could be very ‘harsh’ sometimes. For the first few days, I experienced urges of anger; explained and unexplained, and also headaches (so unrelated to the fashionable swine flu or winter cold). Seemingly, the crystal works rather too well at cleaning up my anger, but because I had zilch experience with clear quartz, I was rather taken by surprise. It is getting more manageable though nowadays, and even if I have headaches (signs of my body trying to get rid of the unwanted emotions and memories), it is not as painful as the first few days. For those who are familiar with the chakra system, clear quartz works well with the seventh chakra (Crown Chakra), and also help purging anger out of the third (solar plexus) chakra.

The second crystal I encountered last month was truly love at first sight. Her name is Larimar, a.k.a. the dolphin stone, a.k.a. Atlantis stone. Larimar is actually the blue-coloured, gemstone quality of pectolite, and it is so rare that it can only be found in the Caribbean. Her colour is very exquisite; the lush and light blue of the tropical sea. You know… the kind of blue or green-blue you get when you see the tropical sea and coastal areas from a low flying airplane? That’s the one. The more reflections and colourful the blue tone you get, the more expensive your Larimar is.

But as many crystal healers would recommend; pick any crystals that resonate with you the most; regardless of the price and the outlook. I have so far three Larimars (yeah, shocking, I know…); the first two I obtained from a local shop in Bali. Very similar in tones. The third one I obtained in the next 30 minutes, given by my best friend with other tumbled stones/crystals to work on my chakra balancing. Hers actually had better vibration, for she sourced it from a better place (the shop that I visited had low energy, but I was so in want of Larimar, I just rushed into the first store I found). So in the end, I had to cleanse my Larimar several times to match my friend’s given Larimar (which works excellently with my throat chakra, by the way).

It turned out not to be as smooth as I thought. My hands almost ‘burned’ because the energies of my first Larimars clashed with other crystals. I had to wash the dolphin stones immediately in salt water and also smudge them with aromatherapy incense. Later when I arrived in Australia, I re-cleansed them again, but they still weren’t as cleansed and comfortable as I wanted to… until I buried them inside my plant pot. After a few days, voila! They glow from within, just like the Larimar I obtained from my friend. I also rub them with Himalayan salt that just work wonder, and regularly rub them with crushed lavender. I’ve read how essential oils (such as lavender) work wonder, and it is! Fresh lavender is rather impossible to obtain where I live, so I go with the dried ones. I just need to wet my hands with clean water and rub them several times to extract the essential oils. My Larimar looks very happy now! Larimar likes water too; every time I cleanse her with clean water, she looks happy and glowing. I feel the combination of lavender essence and pure water works very well with Larimar.

Larimar works well with the upper chakras, starting from the heart chakra, so I just fashioned my largest Larimar into a pendant and wear it between my throat and heart now. She does a great job in soothing me today, so I will wear her again tomorrow. Larimar also looks very good as jewelry; at least two of my friends have been attracted to my Larimar to the point of awe. And really, what I did was just asking a local beader to glue a silver bail on top of it and match it with a $2 black velvet cord. Simple is beautiful, they say...

As I don’t think rubbing my Larimar with the Himalayan salt too frequently will do good (the salt structure might damage the stone surface), I’m thinking of submerging her with salt solution instead of dipping her in pure salt. I also have been placing her on top of my clear quartz, they look happy together.

The other crystal that works very well with my Larimar is my new Selenite. Now, honestly, Selenite is not love at first sight for me. The first Selenite I saw was my therapist’s, and perhaps because it was hers (well, still is hers), I didn’t feel anything when she allowed me to touch it. But she works well with Selenite, and thus I started to study more about this crystal. When I was convinced and started to think that I might actually need one… I found mine. The shop was Crystal Light in Byron Bay, and you should really look it up the next time you’re going to BB. Going to the Crystal Castle is even a better idea, for they have a huge range of crystals up there in Mullumbimby. But again, you don’t always find your crystal in the largest assembly. The crystals pick you, so wherever they are, just be ready to listen and heed them.

I didn’t spot my Selenite the first time I looked either; for I was rather attracted to a larger ‘fish tail’ Selenite piece that really looked like a fish to me. I held this piece and didn’t feel a thing, so again I thought maybe Selenite just wasn’t for me.

But a few days later, I returned to the same shop in Byron Bay, and then after trying to find a tantric twin clear quartz in vain, I suddenly spotted my fish – I mean, Selenite. She was smaller than the first fish, and wasn’t in a good position to spot… but I spotted her anyway. And as soon as I held her, I felt peace. I’d been having chest pains those days (still a bit now…), but as I held her on my chest, I felt relaxed and soothed. It’s not a wonder really, for Selenite has the soothing properties of the moon – her namesake. Her colour is moon white with some glassy transparent stripes in the satin spar version… and she’s truly soothing. Not only she works well with this relaxing department, she also cleanses herself and the other crystals, including the magnificent clear quartz! How amazing is that!!! I'm officially in love with Selenite now.

And as I said earlier, my Larimars are very happy with the Selenite. Well, it’s not a wonder, isn’t it… for the dolphins, the sea and the moon are very much connected. I almost can’t wait for the next full moon to recharge my Selenite (she’s more of a moon-worshipper than a sun’s) and Larimar together!

Oh, Selenite works well with all chakras (what a stone!), particularly the crown (7th) chakra. I do find nowadays that she works best with my heart though. I do have to say that the exact first night I slept with my Selenite, I had a very bad dream. Too personal to unearth here, but suffice to say that the Selenite might be digging my problems and showing me my true fears so that I can work them out.

So…I guess the bottom line for new crystal dwellers who stumble over this post is that you must let your intuition guide you when you want to pick a crystal. Rather, let the crystal pick you… for it is a very personal thing. Work gently with them, expect the unexpected. Talk to them, cleanse them regularly with whatever methods appropriate (just Google them up)… and most of all: heed to their suggestions and start making changes in your life.

I think I have to do that too, now. I have issues with the first three chakras, and I have to do regular Kundalini Yoga to unblock myself. Come to think of that, my heart and throat chakras seem to have problems too. Ah, but I can’t solve them thoroughly without working with the basic first. Whoever says that the first three chakras are ‘lower’, useless chakras truly does not understand that we cannot build a strong home without making sure that the foundations are strong, healthy and happy.

Pic 1. Some of my crystals. The right one is my family clear quartz, the bottom one is my Selenite (one of my Larimars rests peacefully on top of her)

Pic 2. My sweet, lovely Larimar pendant

Pic 3. My lovely Selenite. She sometimes reflects rainbow colours under certain light. The picture doesn't do her justice

Annie’s Passengers

I have an appointment soon and loads of things to do today, but I really wanna write this review. I saw Anne Hathaway’s last year’s ‘Passengers’ movie last night… and was amazed by it. I’ve seen her in Princess Diary, Devil Wears Prada, Becoming Jane (fave!), and Rachel Getting Married, and I love her in all those movies. Upon watching her action last night, I am convinced that she is a classical star… and she might be the next Audrey Hepburn or something like that. And yes, I am aware of the low stars given by various reviewers about this movie. I don’t care. I like it, for it serves as a reminder for me.

‘Passengers’ was basically telling the story of a plane crash and its survivors. Anne Hathaway was Claire Summers, the therapist for 5 people that survived the plane crash, including the sexy and persistent Eric (Patrick Wilson). Along the way, Anne’s patients started to disappear one by one, and she had to track them down and uncover the greatest mystery of her life.

Annie was amazing with her bright deer eyes, and though I have to say that Patrick Wilson’s persistent prompting was rather annoying, but they made quite a good screen couple there (still nowhere near Annie and James McAvoy in BJ!). I also enjoyed David Morse, a guy who used to be Jodie Foster’s father in ‘Contact’, and he was now one of the airline officials in ‘Passengers’ (really, gotta love this guy!). But it’s not only the acting that I was talking about.

In its deepest sense, ‘Passengers’ was not talking about thriller and suspense movie. Nay, to me, it was actually talking about death, and how people cope with death. More specifically, how the dead ones cope with their own death.

I didn’t know about this until the last five minutes of the movie when (SPOILER WARNING!)…

Claire Sommers (Anne Hathaway) finally found the complete list of passengers… which contained… her own name! Yes, Claire was actually one of the passengers onboard the starcrossed plane, and she didn’t survive the crash. None of the passengers survived the crash, not even Patrick and Anne who had just met an hour onboard the plane before the crash. Claire panicked, and I really love the way Annie portrayed a panicked person who had to come to terms with the fact that she herself had actually died. That she was a ghost.

So… was ‘Passengers’ about ghosts? Well, yeah… ghosts who resumed their life (in this case, Annie resumed her life as a therapist, David Morse resumed the life as the pilot who kept regretting that he didn’t save the plane, etc etc)… but the most important thing is that these ghosts were actually guided to find the truth. That they were dead already and that they must move on, and their guides were their loved ones who had left their lives earlier… In Claire (Annie)’s case, they were her deceased aunt Toni (who assumed to be her neighbour) and Mr. Perry, her favourite museum curator who she often talked to when she was a child (who assumed the role as Claire’s boss). In Eric’s case, it was his dead dog and deceased grandfather.
So, what’s the lesson learned? That death is naturally scary for many people, yes… but it is not so, actually. It is a natural process (though plane crash is one of the least favourable gate to death)… and trust that you will be guided in the process…

The Universe is kind, and will not let you go astray. So long as you want to see the Light… trust that you shall see It, and that you shall cross the bridge safely. Many traditions offer the salvation, the way towards inner peace. Call upon that particular Power and He/She/It will help you through. My own personal tradition reminds me of the legend of Lord Shiva who is often called the Destroyer… but is actually more than that. Lord Shiva is the Benevolent one, and also the Destroyer of Death itself. I hope I don’t forget to call upon Him, my Ishta Devata, when my time comes one day. And then I shall go home peacefully, leaving all worldly attachments in love and peace.

And this reminds me of my scheduled meditation session tonight. Have to go there… for living a meditative life would make us celebrate Life as it is, including embracing the final passing easier... when it’s time.

Pic: 'Passengers' poster from Wikipedia

What is Patience?

The age-old quote says that ‘Patience is a virtue’. Yes, generally speaking, we agree on that, though many people would say that being too patient has its downfall. But what is patience actually?

Patience is often associated with waiting, pain endurance, or perseverance. My focus on this post is patience related to waiting and perseverance, though mere ‘waiting’ itself often has a large dose of agony in it...

One of Dictionary.com definition for ‘patience’ is:

“Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive”

By that definition alone, one of my best friends was correct: I am not patient. I often rush to doing something… or deciding something without carefully considering all related factors; in the name of ‘rapid response’ and ‘tactical thinking’. The result was often not to be proud of… if not total mayhem. Most definitely I am not suited for jobs like private detectives that requires my sitting for hours inside a dark-coloured car, or as a metahuman superhero who lurks around dark roofs, waiting for the evil doers to do their utterly out of sense deeds. Forget about knocking the door of the Batcave and ask for a part-time job; Batman wouldn’t even want to see me.

But patience is not only needed by those detectives and vigilantes. Patience is needed in almost all aspects of life. There is a difference between patience and sluggish, and it relates to our intentions when doing the waiting. Sluggishness happens when we know very well that we need to be quick and prompt in our actions and responses, and yet we do not do that anyway.

Patience… we know we want something and we work towards it. One by one, one small step by one small step. And when the time comes… Strike! And we win!

Just like those old martial artisans who patiently wait upon his enemies… waiting for them to make the first move. Ever watch Musashi? Great old movie. You should watch the last duel between Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojiro. Classic.

But is patience always about winning?... Does it not have a deeper quality? The Zen-like quality that makes you smile from within, for you know it is good for your personal growth? Let me take you back to an event this morning, where I was floating on a little boat in the middle of the sea, waiting patiently for my dolphins to appear nearby me.

More than four dozen small boats were milled around me… as if they churned the ocean like that, the dolphins would appear from the water vortex. They did… the dolphins… appear for like 40-50 seconds before disappearing again. My boatman did nothing though ; just letting the boat afloat with the engine off. Then, out of the blue… the dolphins came to us.

We were elated, excited! They came!

… and then they left again, for as soon as they appeared, more than ten boats sped towards them. And once again, we were alone without the dolphins.

The event kept repeating itself until the boats got tired of the game and left the arena. Soon, there were only five of us, little boats floating at the big blue sea.

And then… one little dolphin jumped. Followed by another. And another. And soon… we found ourselves watching the dolphins feasting on their breakfast: juicy frigate mackerels… while we rummaged for our old boring snack to eat as we watch the dolphins. The snack was boring indeed… but the show was worth the wait.

So… coming back to my original question. What is Patience?

Now I see patience as one of the qualities or characters of alertness…awareness. It is one of the outcomes of awareness, of being alert and just BE in present moment. The Indonesian word for patience is ‘sabar’… and there is another word similar to that. ‘Disabar-sabarin’. Meaning, forcing oneself to be patient, though he/she is really truly yours faithfully NOT patient. A nice concept… which most definitely does not stem out of awareness, alertness. ‘Disabar-sabarin’ or ‘restraining yourself’ has the quality of insincerity, or at the very least mere obedience. You do not want to be patient, but you have to… otherwise a disaster will not be avoidable.

Interestingly, the very Indonesian word for ‘awareness’ or ‘being mindful’ is ‘sadar’. Sabar and Sadar. We only exchange B for D… and the whole context is different. Sabar (patience) to me is the product of Sadar (awareness). There can be no real patience without awareness.

Coming back to the example of dolphin watching, those who opt to turn off their engine and just wait for the dolphins to appear would often see that the dolphins would then appear and either approach them or swim alongside their boat. In this case, they are patient because they know that if they keep churning the waters with their noisy 12 PK outboard engine, the dolphins will unlikely appear for a significant amount of time for them to enjoy. Their awareness of the dolphin’s need of sufficient space and security lead them to turn off their engine and wait. Patiently.

And what do we do when we’re waiting patiently? We can chat with our travel mates, or talk with the boatman… or enjoy the picturesque sceneries… Or we can just sit down with straight back, relax, close our eyes… Then we breathe in and breathe out….enjoying the morning sun on our face, looking inwards to our own hearts.



Then, out of the silence, we hear that very familiar noise of ‘whoof, whoof’. The dolphin’s breathing. We open our eyes happily, knowing that they are here to see us. That they are here to grant us with their presence, thanking us for our patience.

And then we can allow ourselves a few moments of victory our patience brought us. The victory against our own impatience.

Then, what if the dolphins never come? Then, we will return home, knowing that at least we have exercised a good amount of aware waiting here… and that tomorrow we can do it again, until we see them one day. For we know that they are there to meet us… when we are ready to meet them with an open heart.

Pic 1: Siam Reap, Bayon moat. That’s my picture, by the way…
Pic 2: Batman and the dolphins! From Detective Comics #405, from Random Panels.com
Pic 3: Buddha's peace within, from Infinite Smile.org