Breaking the patterns: Healing at cellular memory level

Again, I have data analysis to do, but my right brain kept begging me to write this down, so here we are. Right brain, the intuition wins. Let’s hope this is a useful epiphany for you dear friend, for it definitely is for me.

First, I would like to acknowledge (again) Christiane Northrup, MD (Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom) for her amazing book that I have yet finished reading, for it seems like chewing up the last bites of a very delicious meal. I am utterly most grateful for the research and wisdom she unravelled for us there. Other women I would like to thank are a sisterhood of Jane Austen fans, mainly Laurie Viera Rigler (Rude Awakening of a Jane Austen Addict) and Mariana Gheorghe, whose recent article in the Becoming Jane Fansite about Bad Tuesdays for Jane Austen and Tom Lefroy has unconsciously triggered a new shed of awareness in me.

By now, you would be quirking your nicely trimmed eyebrows, for what is the relationship between Northrup’s feminine bodily wisdom and the deceased British authoress of the Regency Period? Two phrase: cellular memories and repetitive patterns.

Now, based on Ellen Moody’s Austen calendar, Mariana has discovered that certain Tuesdays seemed to be Bad Tuesdays for Jane Austen, in accordance to her star-crossed love with Tom Lefroy. At first, it seems like hocus-pocus, is it not? For how could a person have a repeated misfortune as such? But then… a phrase emerged from Laurie’s latest book that stunned me: Cellular memories.

I’ve read at a glance about cellular memories in Christiane’s book. Researches have found that every cell has its own intelligence, its own ‘brain’ if we may… and with intelligence, comes the ability to retain memories. See Maat.com for better understanding about cellular memories, the article is amazing.

The gist is that every cell in our body has the ability to store memories. Should any event, condition, scene or even just a mere word, smell, or sound appears before us, our cells can automatically link that event etc to a certain event in the past. If the event was blissful, we will feel happy. If it was beautiful, but no longer applicable (lost love, perhaps?), we will feel blue. If it was painful or even a near-death experience, we will feel a sudden fear, anger, an urge to flight, etc. Get what I mean? Surely you’ve experienced it before. An event that had nothing to do with you, but you found yourself inexplicably happy, or sad, or angry. Or even burst into tears.

We could then remember what happened in the past that made us feel as such. A lovely song might remind us of someone we love, but no longer with us. A woman wearing a certain dress might remind us of our high school cheerleader that consistently insulted us (ah… those days…). Etc etc etc. We then understood why we reacted that way. If we are aware enough, we could put everything in its perspective, and move on. Leaving the past behind us.

But more often than not, those events also involved suppressed memories we are not even aware of. We forgot, but our cells did not. Hence, faced by a certain event, our cellular memories kick in, and we react exactly the way we used to react to that event before, that might happen five or ten years ago.

Coming back to Jane Austen, I’m not sure why the Bad Tuesdays happened. But perhaps, PERHAPS, in her subconscious, she named a certain Tuesday bad because of her broken heart. She was tremendously sad, but perhaps – being a natural sunshine person she was – she tried to suppress it. But… alas, her body remembered the pain. Her broken heart. Her tears even. Unconsciously henceforth, she carried the wound, believing that Tuesdays would bring bad news or events to her. Put it in Laurie’s words (Rude Awakening, p.277): “Your body remembers that a year ago today or ten years ago today, you felt cheerful or depressed. And it feels that way again.”

And we got what we believed in. Jane Austen MIGHT believed that some Tuesdays were just bad luck for her. And she indeed got those bad lucks.

Of course, I don’t want to point fingers at my favourite authoress. On the contrary, I thank her for the lessons she consciously or unconsciously gave me. That if we can have those beliefs, we can disown the beliefs as well.

This morning, suddenly I realised that I too have these repetitive patterns and cellular memories. [Since I am trying to reverse the pattern here, henceforth I shall use past tense] I also had something bad … not a day, but a month. Several months even. I unconsciously believed that some months brought sad news or events to me, and those were not unfounded. I did a quickie chronological analysis this morning, and was so surprised at how those patterns matched! By the Gods, those months that I labelled miserable were actually true! Bad things happened those months!

Digging further in, I realised that the labelling started a few years back when a certain star-crossed love story happened to me in 2002, seven years ago. I am now beyond relief that I actually experienced that sad love story, and that I had ended it… but before than… those months were equal to crying in the middle of the night, or whenever no one saw me (or I thought no one did). Those months were equal to my believing that I would not be happy again, that I would never love and be loved again.

Now I know those fears were unfounded, for I have loved myself more than I did before, and I have many dear ones loving me. But those days, those painful emotions affected my body, and my cells stored those sad and heart-breaking memories. Unconsciously, my cells sent signals to my brain that those particular months were bad, bad, bad, and that it would occur again. Hence the repetitive sad patterns in my life. For we got what we believed in. In another word: I unconsciously invited those sadness to return to my life.

Digging even further in, I now realised that those ‘miserable months’ were actually related to unhappy events that my mother experienced prior to and during her pregnancy. I carried her pain subconsciously, for she was the one who had me for more than nine months, and with long and painful birth even! I am not blaming my blessed mother, of course, I am merely observing what happened. And understanding that I have the power to change it.

Thank the Universe, I’ve recognised those patterns now, with clarity beyond belief… with blissful gratitude that I finally am not ‘blind’ anymore to see… I just know that I am right this time, that my conclusions are correct and what I have to learn and implement. How do I know? Because my whole body suddenly felt relaxed while I was writing the epiphany in my diary. My arms and legs were relaxed, I felt so light and happy… and the effect is still lingering now, as I write this. Heh, even a colleague of mine walked past me when I was getting tea just now, and he said that seeing me today just made his day brighter! Thank you mate, I hope you’re not joking…

Now, hopefully, I'm sensitive and open enough for help from all over the place. I still have loads of personal health homework to do. Every seven years, we regenerate a whole new body (see Wiki Answer for more info). Well, it’s been seven years since the painful memories, strangely I'm on my fifth seven-years-cycle on Earth now... and I need to rebuild healthy cells. Now. Healthy cells with healthy cellular memories. And every month, every single day, single minute, single second, is a blessed moment. There is NO miserable month. There are 12 beautiful, loving months, and more of love and trust too...For this Universe is an Infinity of Love.

Namaste, peace be upon you.

Pic 1: Cellular healing, from Maat.com
Pic 2: Healing lotus, from MySpace.com
Pic 3: Healing heart, from Deviantart.com

Working with crystals, dolphins and the moon

I’ve been thinking of writing something about my hobby with crystals, and I think – after submitting a deadline today – this moment is the right time.

I’ve actually been working with crystals since 1-2 years ago, when Swami Anand Krishna introduced me to the wonders of crystals. Ever since, me and two of my best friends have been exploring these beautiful creatures, from the scientific sides to the ethereal and spiritual sides. I have some crystals at home and also in the office (well, my office looks like a shrine, so one of my lecturers said), and I usually wear crystals on my wrist. But enough with history; I just want to share my love with some new member of my crystal family.

The first one is my double terminated clear quartz that I use to channel and expel anger and all unwanted emotions from my systems. I bought her from L’Ayurveda (a very good site in Bali for crystals, by the way!), already cleansed and powerful, and I’ve been using her constantly now, for clear quartz is an excellent amplifier and very good at releasing hidden, unneeded stuffs. New comers for crystals beware though, because the effect could be very ‘harsh’ sometimes. For the first few days, I experienced urges of anger; explained and unexplained, and also headaches (so unrelated to the fashionable swine flu or winter cold). Seemingly, the crystal works rather too well at cleaning up my anger, but because I had zilch experience with clear quartz, I was rather taken by surprise. It is getting more manageable though nowadays, and even if I have headaches (signs of my body trying to get rid of the unwanted emotions and memories), it is not as painful as the first few days. For those who are familiar with the chakra system, clear quartz works well with the seventh chakra (Crown Chakra), and also help purging anger out of the third (solar plexus) chakra.

The second crystal I encountered last month was truly love at first sight. Her name is Larimar, a.k.a. the dolphin stone, a.k.a. Atlantis stone. Larimar is actually the blue-coloured, gemstone quality of pectolite, and it is so rare that it can only be found in the Caribbean. Her colour is very exquisite; the lush and light blue of the tropical sea. You know… the kind of blue or green-blue you get when you see the tropical sea and coastal areas from a low flying airplane? That’s the one. The more reflections and colourful the blue tone you get, the more expensive your Larimar is.

But as many crystal healers would recommend; pick any crystals that resonate with you the most; regardless of the price and the outlook. I have so far three Larimars (yeah, shocking, I know…); the first two I obtained from a local shop in Bali. Very similar in tones. The third one I obtained in the next 30 minutes, given by my best friend with other tumbled stones/crystals to work on my chakra balancing. Hers actually had better vibration, for she sourced it from a better place (the shop that I visited had low energy, but I was so in want of Larimar, I just rushed into the first store I found). So in the end, I had to cleanse my Larimar several times to match my friend’s given Larimar (which works excellently with my throat chakra, by the way).

It turned out not to be as smooth as I thought. My hands almost ‘burned’ because the energies of my first Larimars clashed with other crystals. I had to wash the dolphin stones immediately in salt water and also smudge them with aromatherapy incense. Later when I arrived in Australia, I re-cleansed them again, but they still weren’t as cleansed and comfortable as I wanted to… until I buried them inside my plant pot. After a few days, voila! They glow from within, just like the Larimar I obtained from my friend. I also rub them with Himalayan salt that just work wonder, and regularly rub them with crushed lavender. I’ve read how essential oils (such as lavender) work wonder, and it is! Fresh lavender is rather impossible to obtain where I live, so I go with the dried ones. I just need to wet my hands with clean water and rub them several times to extract the essential oils. My Larimar looks very happy now! Larimar likes water too; every time I cleanse her with clean water, she looks happy and glowing. I feel the combination of lavender essence and pure water works very well with Larimar.

Larimar works well with the upper chakras, starting from the heart chakra, so I just fashioned my largest Larimar into a pendant and wear it between my throat and heart now. She does a great job in soothing me today, so I will wear her again tomorrow. Larimar also looks very good as jewelry; at least two of my friends have been attracted to my Larimar to the point of awe. And really, what I did was just asking a local beader to glue a silver bail on top of it and match it with a $2 black velvet cord. Simple is beautiful, they say...

As I don’t think rubbing my Larimar with the Himalayan salt too frequently will do good (the salt structure might damage the stone surface), I’m thinking of submerging her with salt solution instead of dipping her in pure salt. I also have been placing her on top of my clear quartz, they look happy together.

The other crystal that works very well with my Larimar is my new Selenite. Now, honestly, Selenite is not love at first sight for me. The first Selenite I saw was my therapist’s, and perhaps because it was hers (well, still is hers), I didn’t feel anything when she allowed me to touch it. But she works well with Selenite, and thus I started to study more about this crystal. When I was convinced and started to think that I might actually need one… I found mine. The shop was Crystal Light in Byron Bay, and you should really look it up the next time you’re going to BB. Going to the Crystal Castle is even a better idea, for they have a huge range of crystals up there in Mullumbimby. But again, you don’t always find your crystal in the largest assembly. The crystals pick you, so wherever they are, just be ready to listen and heed them.

I didn’t spot my Selenite the first time I looked either; for I was rather attracted to a larger ‘fish tail’ Selenite piece that really looked like a fish to me. I held this piece and didn’t feel a thing, so again I thought maybe Selenite just wasn’t for me.

But a few days later, I returned to the same shop in Byron Bay, and then after trying to find a tantric twin clear quartz in vain, I suddenly spotted my fish – I mean, Selenite. She was smaller than the first fish, and wasn’t in a good position to spot… but I spotted her anyway. And as soon as I held her, I felt peace. I’d been having chest pains those days (still a bit now…), but as I held her on my chest, I felt relaxed and soothed. It’s not a wonder really, for Selenite has the soothing properties of the moon – her namesake. Her colour is moon white with some glassy transparent stripes in the satin spar version… and she’s truly soothing. Not only she works well with this relaxing department, she also cleanses herself and the other crystals, including the magnificent clear quartz! How amazing is that!!! I'm officially in love with Selenite now.

And as I said earlier, my Larimars are very happy with the Selenite. Well, it’s not a wonder, isn’t it… for the dolphins, the sea and the moon are very much connected. I almost can’t wait for the next full moon to recharge my Selenite (she’s more of a moon-worshipper than a sun’s) and Larimar together!

Oh, Selenite works well with all chakras (what a stone!), particularly the crown (7th) chakra. I do find nowadays that she works best with my heart though. I do have to say that the exact first night I slept with my Selenite, I had a very bad dream. Too personal to unearth here, but suffice to say that the Selenite might be digging my problems and showing me my true fears so that I can work them out.

So…I guess the bottom line for new crystal dwellers who stumble over this post is that you must let your intuition guide you when you want to pick a crystal. Rather, let the crystal pick you… for it is a very personal thing. Work gently with them, expect the unexpected. Talk to them, cleanse them regularly with whatever methods appropriate (just Google them up)… and most of all: heed to their suggestions and start making changes in your life.

I think I have to do that too, now. I have issues with the first three chakras, and I have to do regular Kundalini Yoga to unblock myself. Come to think of that, my heart and throat chakras seem to have problems too. Ah, but I can’t solve them thoroughly without working with the basic first. Whoever says that the first three chakras are ‘lower’, useless chakras truly does not understand that we cannot build a strong home without making sure that the foundations are strong, healthy and happy.

Pic 1. Some of my crystals. The right one is my family clear quartz, the bottom one is my Selenite (one of my Larimars rests peacefully on top of her)

Pic 2. My sweet, lovely Larimar pendant

Pic 3. My lovely Selenite. She sometimes reflects rainbow colours under certain light. The picture doesn't do her justice

Annie’s Passengers

I have an appointment soon and loads of things to do today, but I really wanna write this review. I saw Anne Hathaway’s last year’s ‘Passengers’ movie last night… and was amazed by it. I’ve seen her in Princess Diary, Devil Wears Prada, Becoming Jane (fave!), and Rachel Getting Married, and I love her in all those movies. Upon watching her action last night, I am convinced that she is a classical star… and she might be the next Audrey Hepburn or something like that. And yes, I am aware of the low stars given by various reviewers about this movie. I don’t care. I like it, for it serves as a reminder for me.

‘Passengers’ was basically telling the story of a plane crash and its survivors. Anne Hathaway was Claire Summers, the therapist for 5 people that survived the plane crash, including the sexy and persistent Eric (Patrick Wilson). Along the way, Anne’s patients started to disappear one by one, and she had to track them down and uncover the greatest mystery of her life.

Annie was amazing with her bright deer eyes, and though I have to say that Patrick Wilson’s persistent prompting was rather annoying, but they made quite a good screen couple there (still nowhere near Annie and James McAvoy in BJ!). I also enjoyed David Morse, a guy who used to be Jodie Foster’s father in ‘Contact’, and he was now one of the airline officials in ‘Passengers’ (really, gotta love this guy!). But it’s not only the acting that I was talking about.

In its deepest sense, ‘Passengers’ was not talking about thriller and suspense movie. Nay, to me, it was actually talking about death, and how people cope with death. More specifically, how the dead ones cope with their own death.

I didn’t know about this until the last five minutes of the movie when (SPOILER WARNING!)…

Claire Sommers (Anne Hathaway) finally found the complete list of passengers… which contained… her own name! Yes, Claire was actually one of the passengers onboard the starcrossed plane, and she didn’t survive the crash. None of the passengers survived the crash, not even Patrick and Anne who had just met an hour onboard the plane before the crash. Claire panicked, and I really love the way Annie portrayed a panicked person who had to come to terms with the fact that she herself had actually died. That she was a ghost.

So… was ‘Passengers’ about ghosts? Well, yeah… ghosts who resumed their life (in this case, Annie resumed her life as a therapist, David Morse resumed the life as the pilot who kept regretting that he didn’t save the plane, etc etc)… but the most important thing is that these ghosts were actually guided to find the truth. That they were dead already and that they must move on, and their guides were their loved ones who had left their lives earlier… In Claire (Annie)’s case, they were her deceased aunt Toni (who assumed to be her neighbour) and Mr. Perry, her favourite museum curator who she often talked to when she was a child (who assumed the role as Claire’s boss). In Eric’s case, it was his dead dog and deceased grandfather.
So, what’s the lesson learned? That death is naturally scary for many people, yes… but it is not so, actually. It is a natural process (though plane crash is one of the least favourable gate to death)… and trust that you will be guided in the process…

The Universe is kind, and will not let you go astray. So long as you want to see the Light… trust that you shall see It, and that you shall cross the bridge safely. Many traditions offer the salvation, the way towards inner peace. Call upon that particular Power and He/She/It will help you through. My own personal tradition reminds me of the legend of Lord Shiva who is often called the Destroyer… but is actually more than that. Lord Shiva is the Benevolent one, and also the Destroyer of Death itself. I hope I don’t forget to call upon Him, my Ishta Devata, when my time comes one day. And then I shall go home peacefully, leaving all worldly attachments in love and peace.

And this reminds me of my scheduled meditation session tonight. Have to go there… for living a meditative life would make us celebrate Life as it is, including embracing the final passing easier... when it’s time.

Pic: 'Passengers' poster from Wikipedia

What is Patience?

The age-old quote says that ‘Patience is a virtue’. Yes, generally speaking, we agree on that, though many people would say that being too patient has its downfall. But what is patience actually?

Patience is often associated with waiting, pain endurance, or perseverance. My focus on this post is patience related to waiting and perseverance, though mere ‘waiting’ itself often has a large dose of agony in it...

One of Dictionary.com definition for ‘patience’ is:

“Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive”

By that definition alone, one of my best friends was correct: I am not patient. I often rush to doing something… or deciding something without carefully considering all related factors; in the name of ‘rapid response’ and ‘tactical thinking’. The result was often not to be proud of… if not total mayhem. Most definitely I am not suited for jobs like private detectives that requires my sitting for hours inside a dark-coloured car, or as a metahuman superhero who lurks around dark roofs, waiting for the evil doers to do their utterly out of sense deeds. Forget about knocking the door of the Batcave and ask for a part-time job; Batman wouldn’t even want to see me.

But patience is not only needed by those detectives and vigilantes. Patience is needed in almost all aspects of life. There is a difference between patience and sluggish, and it relates to our intentions when doing the waiting. Sluggishness happens when we know very well that we need to be quick and prompt in our actions and responses, and yet we do not do that anyway.

Patience… we know we want something and we work towards it. One by one, one small step by one small step. And when the time comes… Strike! And we win!

Just like those old martial artisans who patiently wait upon his enemies… waiting for them to make the first move. Ever watch Musashi? Great old movie. You should watch the last duel between Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojiro. Classic.

But is patience always about winning?... Does it not have a deeper quality? The Zen-like quality that makes you smile from within, for you know it is good for your personal growth? Let me take you back to an event this morning, where I was floating on a little boat in the middle of the sea, waiting patiently for my dolphins to appear nearby me.

More than four dozen small boats were milled around me… as if they churned the ocean like that, the dolphins would appear from the water vortex. They did… the dolphins… appear for like 40-50 seconds before disappearing again. My boatman did nothing though ; just letting the boat afloat with the engine off. Then, out of the blue… the dolphins came to us.

We were elated, excited! They came!

… and then they left again, for as soon as they appeared, more than ten boats sped towards them. And once again, we were alone without the dolphins.

The event kept repeating itself until the boats got tired of the game and left the arena. Soon, there were only five of us, little boats floating at the big blue sea.

And then… one little dolphin jumped. Followed by another. And another. And soon… we found ourselves watching the dolphins feasting on their breakfast: juicy frigate mackerels… while we rummaged for our old boring snack to eat as we watch the dolphins. The snack was boring indeed… but the show was worth the wait.

So… coming back to my original question. What is Patience?

Now I see patience as one of the qualities or characters of alertness…awareness. It is one of the outcomes of awareness, of being alert and just BE in present moment. The Indonesian word for patience is ‘sabar’… and there is another word similar to that. ‘Disabar-sabarin’. Meaning, forcing oneself to be patient, though he/she is really truly yours faithfully NOT patient. A nice concept… which most definitely does not stem out of awareness, alertness. ‘Disabar-sabarin’ or ‘restraining yourself’ has the quality of insincerity, or at the very least mere obedience. You do not want to be patient, but you have to… otherwise a disaster will not be avoidable.

Interestingly, the very Indonesian word for ‘awareness’ or ‘being mindful’ is ‘sadar’. Sabar and Sadar. We only exchange B for D… and the whole context is different. Sabar (patience) to me is the product of Sadar (awareness). There can be no real patience without awareness.

Coming back to the example of dolphin watching, those who opt to turn off their engine and just wait for the dolphins to appear would often see that the dolphins would then appear and either approach them or swim alongside their boat. In this case, they are patient because they know that if they keep churning the waters with their noisy 12 PK outboard engine, the dolphins will unlikely appear for a significant amount of time for them to enjoy. Their awareness of the dolphin’s need of sufficient space and security lead them to turn off their engine and wait. Patiently.

And what do we do when we’re waiting patiently? We can chat with our travel mates, or talk with the boatman… or enjoy the picturesque sceneries… Or we can just sit down with straight back, relax, close our eyes… Then we breathe in and breathe out….enjoying the morning sun on our face, looking inwards to our own hearts.



Then, out of the silence, we hear that very familiar noise of ‘whoof, whoof’. The dolphin’s breathing. We open our eyes happily, knowing that they are here to see us. That they are here to grant us with their presence, thanking us for our patience.

And then we can allow ourselves a few moments of victory our patience brought us. The victory against our own impatience.

Then, what if the dolphins never come? Then, we will return home, knowing that at least we have exercised a good amount of aware waiting here… and that tomorrow we can do it again, until we see them one day. For we know that they are there to meet us… when we are ready to meet them with an open heart.

Pic 1: Siam Reap, Bayon moat. That’s my picture, by the way…
Pic 2: Batman and the dolphins! From Detective Comics #405, from Random Panels.com
Pic 3: Buddha's peace within, from Infinite Smile.org

From Romantic Relationship to Spiritual Journey

I’ve been thinking about the term ‘relationship’ lately, and how in spiritual world it seems to be counterproductive with one’s journey within. Well, from its track record, any kind of relationships – friendship, mother-daughter, father-son, or and particularly intimate relationship – often notoriously give adverse impact to one’s spiritual journey. Particularly intimate relationship, it has the large potentials to you needy, clinging, pining etc that eventually make you lose your self-respect. I often then understand how conscious people, inter alia but not limited to nuns and monks, choose to live celibate lives, for enough is enough. It is painful to go through a relationship. Why bother? Better get out and enjoy being alone.

But… but… How do I say this? I’m not saying that being alone is wrong. I think it’s great when you are alone and immensely happy with yourself. It’s great, it’s amazing. You feel whole, well… you ARE and always have been whole… and you feel that the world is in your hand. Or rather, you are melting and becoming part of the world. Part of Life. Trust me. It’s good. IT’S GREAT, and it’s peaceful. More over, it gives you time to thoroughly explore the journey within. It’s amazing and for some people – including me – it is the best thing that comes out of a single life. You become acquainted with yourself, and you are immensely happy with it. After all, Khalil Gibran put it most eloquently:

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

But what if an opportunity for intimate partnership – for relationship – presents itself in front of you? You are tempted to follow love… whatever the risk is… for as Gibran said… the path of love IS hard.

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

The Path of Love is indeed hard… but the fact is that you are in love (or at least ‘in like’) with your significant other. Then you wake up one day and realise…that you are not in full control anymore of your life. You become needy and helpless if you do not hear from said significant other. You are not comfortable with your addiction, with your pining. People say that it’s the exact characteristic of love, but you do not like it… because your feelings are alternating between ecstasy and sorrow.


Then, perhaps like me, you will question… that how could you be happy in a relationship if you keep being needy and clinging like this? But perhaps the fault is not in said significant other. Perhaps… it is your fault, my fault. Or rather… perhaps our paradigm needs a radical change. Perhaps we have not understood love and relationship as they are.

Then what is love?... If it is harder to answer it, at least this one: What is a relationship for?

To find some answers, I consulted some books, including Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book ‘The Power of Now’. I use many direct quotes from the book, particularly from Chapter ‘Enlightened Relationships’, so if you want to read them through, you can buy them from the Amazon, among others.

You are "in love" with your partner. This is at first a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do he same for him or her. When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance. However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. you are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealously, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing - fear of loss. (Emphasise my own)

And doth giveth way to romantic poetries and songs, such as Sting’s rearranged 16th century Come Again. FYI, I truly love this song… but I also think it is a classical example of how prone we can be when our significant other is not available for us:

Come again! that I may cease to mourn
Through thy unkind disdain;
For now left and forlorn I sit, I sigh, I weep, I faint, I die
In deadly pain and endless misery

Coming back to Tolle:

If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is love now? Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?

See how it makes me rather losing my self-confidence? If I am that easy to swing from ecstasy to sorrow, from loving to clinging…then, is it true love that I experience? Or I’m just still a novice trying to learn love through a relationship? Then, what is the significance of my happiness when I am alone? Was it true that I was happy when I was alone? Or did I secretly harbour a hope for a prince charming rescuing me and taking me to his castle? Many people have painfully proven how outward relationships, hoping that our partners would change for our sake instead of us taking full responsibilities of our own lives, do not work. It is maddening, hence the high rates of divorce world wide. Not to judge anyone here, I’m not an angel myself. I just want to do some reflections here.

Then… how do we get out of this mad circle? Most importantly, can we use intimacy, a romantic relationship, for our own spiritual journey???

Tolle said again:

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substances you are addicted to – alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person – you are using something or somebody. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever.

How to change it then? How to break the addictive cycle?

Tolle: …by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now: Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key. For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or pain-body, and mistake them for who you are.

So you just have to BE in the present moment. All ancient and modern sages recommend this. Live your life in the present moment, here and now. And you will attain your happiness, for you realise that the happiness, the Love never leaves you anyway. It’s always there within you and me. Within all of us.

Tolle again: The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego.

In another word, that takes me and you to our real selves within. To LOVE. Tolle also reminded us that:

… whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the "madness" in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation/…/The relationship then becomes your sadhana, your spiritual practice/…/

If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.

Eckhart Tolle, thank you so much for your amazing enlightenment. If I can summarise it in my own words:

Relationships, including painful and failed ones, are there to teach us lessons. Think of it as a school for us to learn to grow. For the journey within. Our partners (of former partners) are mirrors of our own issues we must face here and now, while we still have time. Any relationship crisis is actually a chance for us to learn to be better beings. Thus, the relationship becomes a vehicle to be better her, better him. Thus, we are here to learn from each other, to be better beings of light.

Then, how to go within? There are several ways. My favourite way now – in addition to yoga, meditation, writing diary, and doing creative writing – is to get connected with my own feminine nature. The woman, priestess, goddess within me. To feel the joy of being a woman... who are complete as she is, with or without a man. With or without acknowledgements from the world outside. In this case, self-help books e.g. Dr. Christiane Northrup’s Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom is like a Bible to me (see also this post). Having friends (particularly sisterhood circle to me) to help you dealing with your issues is treasure. Having a Guru, a spiritual Master like Swami Anand Krishna, to show you how to dig further into yourself is priceless.

I guarantee you that the process of going within is not easy... but we have to realise that no man (or woman) can help us. I have to help myself. I have to be happy with myself first before enjoying my relationship with anyone. I have to and choose to love myself first before loving him. For when I have love within, when I realise that I always have the love within me... love then automatically expands... till it envelopes me in her bright blinding and soothing light... and overflow outward... including to a man... who (and if he) is sensitive enough to catch it.

Otherwise, any relationships will be just another failure. For we keep falling to the same hole, repeating the same mistake of searching for happiness outside, instead of finding it within ourselves and then sharing it.

So whenever I think of a certain person in a pining or clinging way...I have to just smile at the longing and memories… and be grateful that I can still feel such longing. It means that love is there, or at least the seeds to blossom. Then, gently I remind myself to look within. To be immensely happy with myself, here and now.

It takes practice... it doesn’t happen overnight. But with all other Sadhanas, all other spiritual practices…, the process of overturning romantic relationship, taking it further deep into a spiritual practice that nurtures myself and (hopefully) that other person, is worth it.

And thus, intimate relationship becomes a spiritual journey, and we can celebrate it the way True Lovers do. The way Khalil Gibran did, at least, in The Prophet:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow

-xxx-

Pic 1. ‘Dear Heart’ by Iza87 from Deviantart.com
Pic 2. ‘Let me go’ by Khalil Gibran from the Gibran Academy
Pic 3. ‘Separation’ by Edvard Munch
Pic 4. ‘The Lovers’ by Puimun from Deviantart.com

Sacred Moon, Sacred River: Celebrating my 5th year of living healthily

I was waiting in a domestic departure lounge for a delayed flight three nights ago when I saw a big discount in the local Periplus booth. Being a book aficionado, I had to go there and browse. That was when I found a very important book to me as a woman, and as a person: ‘Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdoms’ by Christiane Northrup, M.D. A New York Times Bestseller, and upon reading it randomly since two days ago, I have no doubts about its bestseller status.

The book is about – among others – how women’s bodies try to tell women what’s the best for them, that illness comes to tell the women what’s wrong with their lifestyle … and how the health of women is link to the health of the Earth. Completes with a great guidance of the seven chakras and how our problems with a particular chakra is likely to result in a health problem in particular organs. Very… new age. Very pagan… very me. In many ways, the book resonates well with an older post of mine about the joy of menstrual cycle, our sacred monthly rites.

It is very very good, and I recommend it to any women (and men!) who want to know the sacred aspects of female body, supported with sound scientific findings or personal observations. But this post is not only about the book. Although I give the book 5 stars plus, I will have to refer you to Amazon.com for detailed reviews. The general rating is 4 stars, but as I said, I give this book 5 stars plus.

Anyway, the reason of this post is to come back to an epiphany I had almost two months ago. Back then in early March, I realised that I just entered the 5th year of my healthy living style… commencing on 9 March 2004, when I had my uterine fibroid surgery. And I want to write this post to celebrate that.

My 5 years of living healthily was the result of my intention to be happy; derived from the lessons I learned from the presence of fibroids in my uterus from early 2000 to March 2004…The inner willpower to totally accepting who I truly am and be immensely happy with myself was the result of so much physical and emotional pains, to the point that I knew I didn’t want to live like that. That I was, and am, entitled for a much better life.

And believe me, once we set our course, our intentions for a truly happy life, contended with our inner being, listening to our bodies’ wisdoms, in harmony with the surroundings… we will be happy. We are happy, for we are in love with our closest friend: ourselves, and our bodies.

And once we (particularly us women) are happy with ourselves… totally accepting our feminine side, including our menstrual cycle – sacred moons and sacred rivers – and menopauses, our lives will realign themselves… and the Earth Mother is also healed. We are her daughters. If we are happy, she is happy too. And in turn, we also double our effort to please her, to rejuvenate her. To let her breathe and live the way she deserves.

To quote the amazing Christiane Northrup from her last page of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom:

Commit to living your dreams – one day at a time. This is the process that is required to create vibrant health in our families, our communities, and our planet. May you go forth now, to take a nap, to embrace a child, to feel the sun on your face, or to eat a good meal slowly, knowing deep within you that the next step for healing and living joyfully is already there, waiting for you to listen to it, waiting to be born into the world – through you, dear woman.

Is it not worth doing, then?

Pic 1: gorgeous 'Goddess of the Night' by FaeryAzarelle from Deviantart.com
Pic 2: Cover to 'Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom' from Barnes and Nobles

New AGORA trailers Rachel Weisz!

Okay... I don't want December 2009 to come quickly, cos I have looooads of things to beforehand... But when December comes, at least I have one thing to wait upon. Rachel Weisz's AGORA, where she plays as Hypatia, the last librarian of the Library of Alexandria.



Thanks to Pukimex for the HD version, I now really want to see it. Rachel is so awesome!

Annie Hathaway rocks!

Okay, she didn't win the 2009 Oscar, but I don't care. First, Anne Hathaway has stolen my heart (and I am straight!) since I saw her in Princess Diary, and then of course Becoming Jane... and several other movies. But also because I love Kate Winslet too, and I'm so happy that she finally wins. Kate deserves her Oscar (well, so does Meryl Streep), and I am sure that Annie will win her Oscar one day. What a girl... (and Annie loves Kate and Meryl too!).

But I just wanna share what Annie said to Barbara Walters in the pre-Oscar Specialon interview on 22 Feb 2009. Lots of good things there... and her words really remind me of important things in my life.



These are some quotes I love the most from the interview:
- "Being vulnerable is not being weak."
- "Love is not just about giving. It's about receiving as well."
- "I broke up with my Italian boyfriend, and then two weeks later he was sent to jail for fraud!" (Saturday Night's Live)

The first one relates very well to the second, and perhaps the 3rd one (which was about his &#^$ Italian boyfriend!). In the second quote, note that she didn't use the word 'taking'. She used 'receiving', which has a much wiser meaning than taking. Receiving requires you to open up to the whole world, to the Universe, to be receptive. What a girl, what a woman!

Annie, one day you will receive your Oscar. And meanwhile, you're still gonna be my girl!

Day 1: Bangkok to Varanasi

Day 1 (8 January 2009): Bangkok to Varanasi

The Swarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok was surely different from the old Don Muang airport I visited more than 4 years ago in November 2004. Don Muang back then was dusty and gloomy, and rather hot and uncomfortable. Now, in Swarnabhumi I felt like arriving in the second version of Singapore Changi Airport, with duty free shops and inviting cafés with wireless internet everywhere. You can even have a few hours of spa if you transit for more than 2 hours!

Bangkok is always memorable. Back then in November 2004, I was there for the nth IUCN Conference, and with loads of memories too beautiful and personal to reveal here… Now, in January 2009, I only transited for 6 hours, but it was a nice and fun transit. The first cup of hot coco that I tried was terrible; it was not even in the same zip code with second class hot coco, let alone Max Brenner. But the next one that I had as I enjoyed the free wireless internet was better. Still Max Brenner is da man!

The trip to Varanasi was delayed for 30 minutes or so. No complains. I had a window seat, from which I could see the Irrawaddy River meandering below, the Gulf of Bengal, Myanmar, and parts of Southern India. We stopped for 30 minutes or so in Bodhgaya, Bihar, where a thick layer of fog covered most of the horizon. It was amazing that we were able to land at all. I also should rewind a bit and informed that I had also seen Ho Chi Minh (Vietnam) and Phnom Penh (Cambodia) from above, before dawn where everything was still dark and sleeping, as I peeked from my Thai Air window. One day, I shall really visit other countries in Indochina as well. Godspeed, or rather, Goddess-speed.


I landed in Varanasi at about 3:30 pm local time, and went through a very short process of immigration, but a very annoying custom process, for the custom officers there asked me why I brought so many cameras; was I to sell them?! Well, I said, I am to visit His Holiness Dalai Lama for an Indonesia-made Buddha statue inauguration, and of course I need to bring many cameras! And it’s not really many, it’s just a standard pack. One SLR with standard lens, one 250mm zoom lens, one small digital camera, and one pocket digital camera (in case I want my pictures taken by friends or passer-by who are not familiar with SLR). Most definitely a standard pack for a semi-pro photography freak like myself. I should have carried a tripod and declared myself a real pro, and got more problems because of that. I knew that customs bloke wanted to make things difficult, but I persisted, and got away without having to pay anything. It was very annoying though. And porters. I did not ask for any porters, but a guy just persisted in helping me carrying my light-weighted stroll-luggage to the taxi. He glared at me when I didn’t give him tips. I glared back and gave him nothing. What a way to start my journey in India.

Entering Varanasi was like entering a small town in eastern Indonesia, or a less-developed suburbia of Jakarta. Rustic, with many worn-out billboards and signs of commercial and political ads. But by the Gods and the Goddesses, the worst part is… the DUST! I knew Varanasi, or Kashi as many people say, is dirty, but I never thought that it was THAT dirty and DUSTY. Well, I knew it was big, so I expected a metropolitan like Bangkok, or at least half of it. It might be 1/3 of Bangkok… but it definitely made Bangkok a much nicer and cleaner city in comparison to this beloved city of Lord Shiva.

I arrived at the Ideal Tower Hotel at almost 5 pm. Regrouping and mingling with my friends from Anand Ashram Indonesia, including my master Swami Anand Krishna, and then took a shower and had dinner. I exchanged news about the Buddha statue, and we received most relieving news that the statue would be inaugurated by His Holiness the day after, on 9 January. Praise Lord Buddha, Lord Shiva, and Mother Gangga! How lucky I was: one day later, and I
would have missed the precious inauguration completely!

Pic 1: Samudera Manthan (Churning of the Ocean) in Bangkok Swarnabhumi Airport
Pic 2: Me at the new Bangkok airport

Day 2: Sarnath, Varanasi

Day 2 (9 January 2009): Sarnath, Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh

I shall never forget that day when I walked to the empty field next to Dalai Lama’s house in Sarnath and saw the stone Buddha statue sitting in lotus position, covered with white clothes and adorned with many candles and flowers… it was like a dream. I never thought that it would come true, that I would be able to come to Sarnath and see the statue inaugurated by His Holiness, with my Guruji next to him.

But it did come true. The Existence is too kind… I was allowed to witness the historic moment that reaffirmed the ancient spiritual and cultural ties between Indonesia, Tibet and India. The Buddha statue inauguration, the main reason for my first pilgrimage to India, at least this life time. From the Anand Ashram Indonesia website, this is the bits of the press release:

The morning fog has not cleared away when at His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama inaugurated and blessed a 2.5m high Buddha statue humbly offered by Indonesian interfaith spiritualist Anand Krishna. Conducted at the Central Institute of Higher Tibetan Studies (Deemed University), Sarnath (Uttar Pradesh), India, the inauguration was covered by several Indian media, e.g. K TV, Z News, DD News and Hindustan Times. The Buddha statue is made of the same source materials used to build the 9th CE Borobudur Temple in Muntilan, Central Java, Indonesia, and was offered to reaffirm the spiritual and cultural ties between the peoples of Indonesia and Tibet, also to support His Holiness’ non-violent struggle to protect the cultural heritage of Tibet.

And this is the full link.



I spent the rest of the day busily with press release and uploading pictures; other pictures can be found here. It was a very tiring but satisfying day… Geshe Ngawang Samten, the professor and director of Central University of Tibetan Studies in Sarnath was very kind to bestow each of the Anand Ashram members with beautiful white khata (ceremonial scarf). It’s truly a blessing, and sometimes I wonder, what did I do to deserve such blessings… and will I live up to it. Godspeed, I will.

Pic 1: Bapak Anand Krishna and His Holiness Dalai Lama with the 2.5m tall Buddha statue
Pic 2: Bapak Anand Krishna, His Holiness Dalai Lama, and very blessed Ashram members, including me