Wednesday, 25 November 2015

A year without Dad

Taking a break from my wuxia posts (yes, this blog isn’t only about wuxia and CLH...), I’d like to take this opportunity to remember my father who passed away exactly last year. Tuesday, 25 November 2014 at around 1330 Bali time.

Has it been a year ago that my Dad passed away? It seemed so quick; almost couldn’t believe it. When I told a friend about it today, she asked me what I felt. I searched for the answer... and I found it. I was grateful. I am grateful that Dad is now in a much better state than he was one year ago. I still miss him, of course. I miss his funny comments. I don’t miss the headache he had caused me due to his ignorance... but he regretted those. And I was grateful that he had made peace with himself before he died. It was so graceful the way he left the world... and I couldn’t ask for a better ending.

I still remember that day clearly. I just finished an important call with a colleague; a call that eventually spun into a collaboration, which I hope to be fruitful for years to come. Actually, come to think of it, Dad might have unconsciously waited until I finished the call; knowing it was an important step in my career, that call...As if he wanted to make sure that I’d be okay, that I’ll be just fine, before he left his body...

Then I was doing something else on the computer when I received a call from my sister Ayu. And a text from her. And a text from my friend Jelih. Asking me to call Sri, my faithful maid who had been accompanying Dad during his two last years. The moment that I dreaded came. Dad passed away.

It had been some difficult weeks afterwards to deal with his cremation and estate. I still haven’t finished dealing with the estate certificate and all other financial consequences of his passing. Yes, those worldly matters are burdensome... but whenever I remember that Dad is now in a much better place, a much better state... I feel grateful. For the lessons he’d learnt, for the grace he experienced during his passing. For the help I received before, during and after his cremation. I don’t know how his journey would be in the next life (perhaps he’ll be a she...), but I know that he’ll (or she’ll) have a better life. A better understanding of the important things in life and things that are miniscule or unimportant in life.

Has it been a difficult year without Dad? ... yes and no. Yes, for I still have to deal with the estate stuff. No, because I know that he’s much better where he is now. I still miss him of course, whenever I go back to Bali, or whenever  I encounter something or remember something that connects me with Dad. But, looking at the evening sky and the stars above (or the white clouds on a blue sky), I’d known that he’s happy now, that he’s in peace now, and that’s more than enough for me.

Will I recognise him/her as a kindred spirit in the next life? Perhaps I will. I hope I will. But I also hope that I will recognise that he/she is doing well in his/her life... that he/she is living his/her life fully, with grace, courage and mindfulness.  And at that time, we’ll just wave our hands and smile to each other, knowing that all is well.

I miss you, Dad. I bow to the jewel inside of you.


All is well.


Anonymous :] said...

We must have been related in the past. Because we both love the Miu/Barb pairing movies lol.

My father also passed away. He died in 2008. :/ I feel the same way as you. I miss him so much but he's in a better place where he isn't suffering.

One of the things I have to wonder is, how does he think I turned out. Would he be okay with my choices? Hmmm. Maybe in our future lives we will be reconnected again, like your karmic reincarnation fanfic you wrote.

Keep up the great posts. And don't be too hard on yourself and dwell in a place of sadness. Your dad probably doesn't want that for you. ♡

Icha said...

Thank you so much my dear new friend... I hope you receive this reply of mine.

I'm sorry for your loss too. It's been almost 8 years for you then, but perhaps you'd still find that you miss him? I guess that's normal, eh...

I think he trusts you with your choices. If you guys love each other so much, I think, I believe, you'll be connected with him again in the next life. And hope, it's going to be a beautiful connection... as I hope for mine.

Thank you, and Love you too...